July 3, 2009
This is my story. Well, part of it, anyway.
The saying, “Our mess becomes our message,” has been ringing in our ears for several months now. I used to think that I didn’t have much of a mess and wondered about the effectiveness of my message! Well, we have come to appreciate and embrace the new testimony that we have been given.
On August 19, 2008 my husband and I, two and half year old Jake, and six week old Derek all moved out of the country to Costa Rica for language school. We had planned to be there with our mission team for two semesters of school to get a jump start on our Spanish before heading to Lima, Peru for a minimum of five years. About three months into our stay in Costa Rica our team Psychologist, Dr. Steve Allison, diagnosed me with both Postpartum Depression and Major Depressive Disorder, and told me that I needed to start on antidepressant medication and begin counseling as soon as possible. You could say that this put a major halt to our plans that had been in place since the Spring of 2004 when we joined the mission team. We had a lot of questions. We didn’t know very much about depression. In fact the only thing we thought we knew is that you have suicidal thoughts and can’t get out of bed. And the only thing I knew about postpartum depression is that you have thoughts about harming your baby. None of those things described me, so how could I have depression? Come to find out, there is a lot more to know about depression. After about five days of much prayer and thought, Wes and I finally accepted it as true, even though we didn’t fully understand it. We took a leap of faith, relocated our family again for the fifth time in less than two years, and flew back to Texas on December 19, 2008 to receive the treatment needed for our healing.
What is depression and what are all the symptoms? I do not claim to be an expert on the matter. Ironically, I have a B.A. in Psychology, but without a Masters degree that is about as helpful as having a degree in Animal Science. What I have learned is that depression has many faces and several symptoms. I think that I’m qualified to tell about how depression looks on me, but that may not be how depression looks on someone else. It can be pretty complex and deserves some research. Something else I have learned is that antidepressants do not come from the devil. Not that I really thought that, but in my experience the subject and talk of depression and medication is mostly taboo, especially among Christians. A book called, Blue Genes, by Paul Meir, M.D., gave me a lot of insight. In my opinion this book is not the best and only resource out there, but it can be a very useful tool. It explains how your genetic makeup contributes to the way your brain functions on a daily basis and talks specifically about four key chemicals in the brain that effect your psyche and your mood. Some people, like myself, have a genetic predisposition to certain brain chemical abnormalities. According to the authors, 80% of their patients can maintain a normal chemical balance by living a healthy lifestyle and getting good Christian counseling, without a need for medication. But to tell the other 20% of patients that they don’t need medication would be like telling someone with diabetes that they don’t need to take their insulin.
Most of the symptoms of depression are a normal part of life. But from what I understand, the frequency of the symptoms, the strength of them, and the longer they last makes them more likely to be a case of depression. To give you an idea, here is a list of the symptoms I have dealt with and the things that Wes and I know what to look out for in the future. As it turned out, I had just about every symptom except the only ones I knew about:
- Can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
- Feeling hopeless and helpless
- Can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
- Much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
- Feeling lifeless, empty, and apathetic
- A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
- Loss of interest in daily activities or former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
- Sleep changes. (Insomnia, waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping.)
- Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, physically drained. Small tasks are exhausting or take longer.
- Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
- Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
- Withdrawing from others, but not wanting to be all alone
- Strong feelings of codependency
- Frequent feelings of being overwhelmed
- Overreacting to situations with emotional outbursts
A trusted website that I have found is www.helpguide.org. This website also has a lot of useful information about other kinds of life challenges, not just depression. Another one is www.hopeforlifeministry.com, which is a ministry founded by Christian counselor and Speaker, Steve Leavitt.
Treatment. For the past seven months I have had consistent counseling sessions with my Christian Psychotherapist, Dr. Randolph Sanders. For the first couple of months I met with him twice a week, and after that I started meeting with him once a week. He has been a great fit for me, and I have greatly appreciated his prayers, guidance, wisdom, and counsel. Other things that have contributed to my healing are a healthy diet, regular exercise, and a commitment to regular Bible study.
Through my treatment I discovered that I have had dysthymia–a low level of depression–that started at some point in my childhood. Also, the official way to define clinical depression is by recognizing an episode, which technically means having 5 of 7 specific symptoms that last for at least two weeks. Looking back, I know I’ve had my fair share of episodes. Now we know that there was a series of events that happened over the past three years that caused me to slip into an episode of Major Depression–having HELLP syndrome and giving birth to our first son 6 weeks early through an emergency c-section, postpartum depression, stress from several transitions and preparing to move out of the country, a family crisis, a difficult physical recovery from the birth of our second son, and another episode of postpartum depression while adjusting to life in another country and culture at the same time.
The medication that I started in Costa Rica, called Fluvoxamine, began to show signs of relief within the first three weeks after I started taking it. The first time I remember feeling its effects was one morning on my walk to school for my Spanish tutoring. For the first time in a very long time I had a song in my head as I pushed Derek in the stroller on that mile walk to class. The song was, God of This City, by Chris Tomlin. And the first time Wes noticed a difference in my behavior was when I chose to take a taxi to the grocery store. By myself. It was the first time (since our arrival in Costa Rica) in three months that I had gone anywhere by myself.
However, when we returned to Texas we found that the cost of Fluvoxamine was much more expensive here than in Costa Rica, so we decided that I should try taking Zoloft, which was much cheaper. But after a couple of months on Zoloft, we started to realize that it was not working as well for me as the Fluvoxamine had been. Dr. Allison and Dr. Sanders both recommended that I consult with a Psychiatrist, because they are experts on antidepressants. By this time it was the beginning of April 2009. My Psychiatrist decided to put me back on Fluvoxamine. She actually preferred for me to stop breastfeeding my 9 month old so that she could start me on Celexa (because Fluvoxamine and Zoloft are the safest to use while nursing or pregnant), but that wasn’t an option for me, because I was determined to nurse my baby for a whole year. Once again, within a couple of weeks we could tell that Fluvoxamine was working very well for me and things were getting better.
The Road To Victory. May of 2009 was a big month for me. The five months prior to that we had spent a tremendous amount of time, effort, and energy on my treatment and healing. My brother and sister-in-law, Ben and Crystal, told us about a seminar they had been through that impacted them in such a positive life-changing way that they really encouraged us to participate in it before we left for Lima. By the time May rolled around we finally felt ready to sign up for this seminar called, The Road Adventure, or simply “The Road”. It is held in Dallas (Richardson) and now is also offered in Tyler. The Road is a life enrichment weekend “adventure” where you learn more about the way you think, feel and even why you act in certain ways. There is no use of books or notes. Instead, it’s a weekend that equips you through group discussion, activities and games to help you acheiver your goals, whatever they are. This conference was exactly what Wes and I needed. It truly was life-changing for both of us, and it greatly accelerated my path to healing. We would not be ready to leave for Lima so soon, had we not participated in it. The Road is held on the weekends with five total sessions. Wes and I were able to do the first three sessions. Everyone who goes through The Road has a different experience, so it’s easier to share what I, personally, gained from it. I recognized and gained freedom from past hurts, I developed a deeper confidence in my sense of purpose and identity in Christ, I discovered some of the gifts and talents the Lord has given me, how He is currently using me, and how He can use me in the future to further His kingdom. The Road Adventure is challenging, intense, and very difficult at times. And it is totally worth the amount of time, investment, energy, and commitment it takes to go through it. For more information or to schedule your first session, go to www.theroadadventure.org.
A wise friend recently told me, “God’s mission for you is not to send you to Lima, Peru. God’s mission for you is your life.” It’s so true. I am a vessel for the Lord, but probably like many of you, partially broken and trying to hold myself together. I’m not talking about just depression, but any areas of life that hardly see anything but shadows. I felt convicted and realized one day that there are things in my life that I haven’t let God take care of. I’ve been shoving it under the rug and expecting it to work out on its own. I found out the hard way that God wants more for me and doesn’t want me to settle with anything less. Basically, He told me that He’s got to strip me down and rebuild me, so that I will do His work for Him in a more effective way. Even though now I am benefiting from it, the most important thing is that His glory will be proclaimed louder than it would have been had He left me the way I was!
Going through my depression has been a long, hard, and dark road. One of the toughest steps was identifying it and accepting it. I’m so thankful for Dr. Allison, our supporting church in Kaufman, and all of our friends and family that supported me along the way. Overcoming depression has been a process deserving much patience and trust in the Lord’s timing. Wes and I have learned to surrender our plans and control of things to Him, time and again. We have two verses that have become our mantra. Proverbs 3:5,6–Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. And Proverbs 19:21–Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
We fly to Lima on August 18, 2009, and we believe Christ has brought us to a place where He is ready for us to go. Because of God’s gracious and loving hand, a lot of Christian counseling, and the right depression medication I’m happy to say that today I am a brand new and better person. I can honestly say that my future is bright, clear, and it fills my heart with joy to be so connected to the Lord as He guides us each step of the way!
