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Some stories are meant to be told, so I’m not going to hold this one out on you.  This morning I found out that my dear friend and mentor, Marilyn, has gone home to be with Jesus.  We knew the time was coming soon, and for the last couple of weeks we have been praying that God would take her sooner than later, because she was ready.

So I have had a couple of weeks to prepare my heart for this.  It took all day, but the sadness is setting in now.  Since I am not there, it seems so surreal.  I think I could easily let myself stay disconnected and be glad that I’m several countries away right now.  But I don’t want to do that.  I want to celebrate the life of this amazing, Godly woman right alongside everyone else.  I want to sing songs with her family and friends and hear the laughter when stories are told of Marilyn that will make you smile so long your face hurts.

I have been waiting to share these next thoughts.  Because I know there are so many out there who are, who have been, or who will be someday disappointed with God.  There are so many emotions that come when God doesn’t do what we wanted Him to do.  Sadness, anger, frustration, pain.  Just to name a few.  I think those emotions are normal, okay, and to be expected.  There comes a time, though, when we are called to take off the clothes of mourning and step into the light of the face that brings warmth and draws you close.

The heart that presses in harder to the chest of God so as to hear His heartbeat, instead of pushing Him away or holding Him off at a distance because you are not so sure about that anymore… the heart that shouts cries and beats the breast, but then just lets Him hold you is the kind of heart that I think can be described as “a man after God’s own heart,” like David in the Bible.  Ask “why?” all you want to.  Tell Him how it made you feel.  Pour it out like a rushing waterfall if you need to.  Then let Him come nearer.  Be not offended.  Just trust and believe He is Who He said He is.

Be not offended.  Maybe it was years ago when things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go and the pain from it has torn you to pieces inside.  But you keep waking up, day after day, and have figured out how to put one step in front of the other.  Life even looks pretty normal.  Back to usual.  But your heart has your hand up, saying, “No, no, not too close.  That is far enough.  I can’t handle anymore disappointment right now.  It’s not worth the risk.”  If this is you, then let me say with great care…you are called to a better place than that.

The time has come or it will come when God will restore you and redeem you back to that place of immeasurable faith.  The place where you aren’t afraid to ask Him to do things for you again.  A time when His blessings will so fill your heart with joy that you will dance and sing with laughter at His goodness and say, “Why, Lord?  Why would you do this for me?”  And you’ll just know the answer in your heart as He says to you, “Because I Am Who I Am and I love you because you are Mine.”

Lastly, I want to share with you my last letter to Marilyn that I sent her a couple of weeks ago after the prayer vigil.  I guess I want to share it, because so many of you have joined me, joined us, in praying.  In praying with great faith.  This relationship journey that we are on with Jesus Christ is one, wild ride!  It is indescribable.  I hope that you will continue on with me.  When He calls me to pray and to trust in the authority of the Holy Spirit inside of me, I will pray.  There will be times of disappointment.  But I’m pretty sure the victories and leaps of joy when He does something only His glory can contain…those will outweigh and outlast the moments of heartbreak.

Marilyn,

I am at a loss of words.  I think because I don’t want to say good-bye.  But I want to share with you how wonderful it has been to be on this journey of my faith and to have you be such a big part of it.  I love our God and how He speaks to us and moves in our hearts.

And I love that He put the same passage of scripture on mine and Kimberly’s heart this past weekend–Daniel 3.  I talked to her and then read her blog post.   I was able to do that Beth Moore Daniel study with her while we were living in New Braunfels, before moving to Lima.  That was a special time for me, a hard time of therapy and unknowns as I was getting treatment for depression.  God put Kim and I together during that time and it was perfect.  I needed her and she was and has always been such a good friend to me.  All of His plans are perfect aren’t they?

On Saturday morning of the prayer vigil I woke up with Daniel 3 in my heart.  Verses 17 and 18 running through my head:

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

I want to have that kind of faith.  I thought about how those three young men didn’t know the end of the story like we do.  But they said, “Our God is able to deliver us.”  And they also said, “And he will deliver us.”  Then, “But even if he doesn’t…”  God is still God and we still love Him and trust Him.

I want you to know that I believe with all my heart that God wants us to have the kind of faith that trusts in the authority we have been given by the Holy Spirit.  The authority and faith to believe and say–”Our God is able and HE WILL deliver us.  But even if He doesn’t, my love and trust in Him will not fail.”

Thank you, Marilyn.  Thank you for walking this journey of faith with me for so many years.  Thank you for being proud of me.  Thank you for praying for me and for my family, for praying with faith that pleases our God.  I will miss you so much.  But I am so happy for you that you get to be with Jesus face to face, surrounded by His light and His love.  I’m kind of jealous about it.  :)  I love you.   I’m so glad I got to hug your neck when I was there in July.  But I’ll see you again someday soon.  And when that day comes, I can’t wait to be singing with you again–glorious, unimaginable songs, praising the lover of our souls.

Thinking of you and your family whom I love so much,

Stacy

Marilyn, what you said is so true.  You’ll be smiling the next time I see you!